Smoking...

This poor bastard is going to die of cancer or emphasema. It is a shame that such a talented actor has to go and kill himself with cigarettes.

Fear equals Profit

One of my jobs is at a very large, very prestigious cancer hospital. The place is so big that they refer to it as a medical campus. The buildings are new and architecturally beautiful. New buildings are going up. Some days when I walk in I am greeted by piano music being played on a grand piano. The gift shop sells expensive, pretty gifts. The hospital cafeteria is so cheap that they charge extra for a Styrofoam plate.

On day on the way into work, I was struck by the horror of it all. The place was built by frightened sick people. Doctors, administrators, and pharmaceutical corporations were all making a mint. People who were scared out of their wits were forking over big money to have their lives saved. It started with... First do no harm. Now, the medical establishment is a huge bulky corporation whose goal is to make shareholders money. Saving lives is secondary. Building pretty buildings and cushy offices is far more important.

But when you are sick with cancer, you are scared. You want someone with a degree on the wall and a white lab coat to come and save you. You will listen to whatever he says. You will take the pills of whatever pharmaceutical company is paying him the biggest kickback. Shareholders will make money selling you a five cent pill for twenty dollars. You will let them inject poison in your body... all for a hope and a prayer that you may live another year. Doctors pay for expensive malpractice insurance policies. Insurance companies get fat.

Somehow... in all of this... the patient is lost. The patient becomes the problem that must be fixed for a profit. People are not whole beings. They become a collection of parts.... parts that can be shuffled around or removed... parts... thats all just parts. People are not treated holistically. Healing is not the goal here... profit is.

I was struck by all this when I was walking into work. The building that I work in is built on the pain and suffering of others.

Greed and Gluttony

Black Friday

I work in retail, as you can imagine, I just LOVE the day after Thanksgiving. The store was mobbed. What is it with our desire to fill our lives with mass produced CRAP. It is shit. We don't need more shit. We have enough shit. But NOOOOO! We have to have designer shit. We have to have shit in all the latest colors and textures. We have to have shit with a celebrity name on it. We have to have shit that is better than our neighbor's shit.

It is madness. The only winners are the stockholders of corporations. Generally... the people buying the shit cannot afford to own stock. So they fill the void in their life with SHIT.

Santa Claus is the symbol of gluttony and greed. I want... I want... BUY... BUY... BUY!!! GIMME!!!

Whatever happened to Thanks and Giving?

Mommy Dearest

Scrutiny

God I hate it! My whole life I've been watched. My mother is the worst. No mistake goes unnoticed. Every flaw is brought to my attention.

"Why did you do that?"
"That looks terrible, you look like a bull dyke" she hated my leather jacket
"Why did you waste your money on that?"
"You're just like your father." whatever
"You're such a fanatic." because I'm a vegetarian
"You're anal retentive." because I take the time to do things right
"You drink to much." I drink as much as she does
"You have too much make-up." I take care of my appearance
"Why do you hang out with those people?" to piss you off
"Didn't I teach you anything?"

Yes you did mom. You taught me that there is not way in hell that I could please you, so I gave up trying a long time ago.

You bitch about the stupidest shit. You complained that I spent my money on artichoke hearts. You bitch about every thread of clothing I put on. Yet you don't give a damn about your appearance and walk around all day in sweat pants. You don't like any of my friends so I stopped bringing them around. I don't even think of bringing a man around. He would never meet your standards. Yet your boyfriend hardly ever works, smokes four packs of cigarettes a day and is the biggest pothead around. You support his habits. I don't see where you get off complaining about the men in my life.

I never share anything with you because I know that somewhere down the road you will use it as ammunition against me. I describe you to other people as a heaping spoonful of negativity. You are eternally bitter and angry.

They say that women end up like their mothers. This is my worst nightmare.

Snow... Dammit...

Yesterday the snow started. Winter is here. I'm not thrilled about it.

While I was in Florida people would say, "Don't you miss the change of seasons?" We had seasons in Florida. Wet season, Dry season, Fire season, Hurricane season and a couple of days were you could wear a sweater.

While I was in Florida people would say, "Don't you wish that you had a white Christmas?" No... why would I? Did Jesus have a fucking white Christmas? Most of the planet doesn't have snow on Christmas. During the fifteen years I lived in Buffalo I only had 2 white Christmases.

So now I'm going to freeze till May.

What am I really thinking?

I am tired of being nice to people. I work in retail. When I say, "Hello, how may I help you?", often I am thinking, "You fucking loser." I'm just glad I'm not in telemarketing any more. In person people will usually be civil to you. When they are anonymous and on the phone.... damn.... you wouldn't believe what people would say to me. They were some cold blooded mother fuckers sometimes.

I need to win the lottery... then everyone can fuck off.

I see dead people...

I went to a funeral today. It was catholic. I am not. I found the rituals very pagan. But the Catholics piously mumbling, were very comforted by the ceremony. By eating a white wafer they felt they were doing the "right thing"... or maybe it is the "rite thing". To me it appeared to be ritual cannibalism. But to a catholic, eating the "body of Christ" has nothing to do with eating a human body. So what do I know.

I saw the body in the casket and it was grey through the make up. The person that James once was, was long gone. I don't pretend to know where he went, but he wasn't in that box. In the funeral home everyone sat facing forward, staring at the body. It was as if they thought that he would jump up and say, "Just kidding!" Perhaps that is the reason for the wake.

Funeral rituals are for the living. It makes us feel better. In the end it doesn't change anything though. We all gotta go sometime.

I am desperate for attention...

Well, to tell you the truth I have nothing fascinating or original to say. So you may ask why am I doing this... because I am vain and want attention from random people. I like to think that what I have to say is important and clever. The truth is... is that I am alone in front of a computer in a darkened room. I am typing inane words. You are reading them.

Our lives are dull.